Easily connect with strangers

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

- Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People

Have you ever been standing alone in a room full of strangers?

You don’t recognize anyone. You’re not even sure you belong there, and you have no idea what to say. You think about darting for the door or at least jumping on your phone so you don’t look like a total loser. Or maybe just the thought kept you from showing up in the first place.

I’ve been there. More than once.

But I can also link almost all of my business or personal success back to the friends I’ve met – often at events that could have felt just like that.

In a couple days, a lot of us will be heading to Portland for the World Domination Summit – probably my favorite event of the the year for hanging around people doing the things you didn’t think could be done. 

When I first went to WDS, I knew two people and Live Your Legend was just an idea. I left on Monday morning with dozens of new friends. Friends who not only understood me, but who showed me a new type of possibility – one that landed me right here.

It is experiences like this that have made environment and connection the heart of how LYL helps people find and do work that matters. It’s why we created our How to Connect with Anyone community and it’s why I decided to create today’s rather in-depth guide.

Because it all starts with connection. 

And nothing beats showing up in the real world.

As long as it’s actually fun… So this is meant to be a resource for you to return to before or during a live meetup of any kind – conference, event or just connecting with someone new at the cafe down the street. It’s all universal. If you’re headed to WDS, print this out for your flight and to refer to over the weekend – or for the next time you’ll be around a bunch of new faces.

Also, once you’re done, I’d love to hear your best in-person connection technique in the comments.

There’s a lot to cover, so I’ve broken things down into a few sections. Now, let’s make some friends…

32 Ways to Immediately Connect with Strangers at Live Events

I. Get Your Mind Right

None of this stuff works (or is any fun) if you aren’t coming from the right place…

1. See strangers as friends you haven’t met yet. Thinking about a room of strangers is often intimidating enough to keep you from ever showing up. It’s also usually not true. If you’ve picked an event that aligns with who you are, the people you’re about to meet are your people. Approach conversations knowing you have beliefs and ideas in common.

Reframing strangers as friends also makes it a lot easier to know what to do. With good friends, we listen, try to help, make introductions, remember names and talk about shared passions – all of which we’ll cover below. We do not try to dominate the conversation, shove our product or website down their throat or think about how we can use them to move up some ladder. Treat them as friends you’ve yet to meet and the rest of this stuff becomes pretty obvious.

2. Know that there’s possibility in every conversation. I’ve experienced enough serendipity to know that every new event or interaction has the potential to lead to a new friend, partner or idea. Approach new people that way and it starts to become self-fulfilling.

3. Realize everyone is as scared as you are. No matter how unknown or well known someone is, we all share fears of being in a room with no familiar faces, feeling lonely and not fitting in. That’s natural. Your situation is not special. It’s normal. As soon as you realize you’re in the same place as everyone around you, new faces start to feel a lot more welcoming.

4. Be there to help. Sure, you want to meet people to help build out whatever you’re working on, and that will come. But real connection is built from genuinely caring about serving the people around you. If that’s not your intention, then you’ve come to the wrong place and most of your efforts will backfire. Constantly come back to adding value. People will feel it and your conversations and results will be all the richer for it. Remember Carnegie’s quote above.

II. Make a Plan

Getting the most out of a live event starts long before you get there, so in the days or week leading up, lay out some groundwork…

5. Know and research people you want to meet. Some of the most important interactions often end up being the people you never saw coming. But you still want to create as much luck as possible. Write down the names and a few notes about the people you know will be there who you’d love to connect with. Do some research on their current projects and know what you want to say when you happen to connect. What idea could you share? What specific piece of their work could you sincerely and personally thank them for? Keep this on you during the event.

You could also make a Twitter list so you can follow and interact with them during the event. Thanks to Caleb at Fizzle for that one.

6. Reach out in advance. Go back through your list and send short notes of anticipation. Remind them who you are, let them know you’re excited to meet and how and when you hope to cross paths. Make it a super short email and follow with a couple tweets or other social mentions so they can associate your face with the name and note.

III. Show Up

Here’s what to do once you walk through the door…

7. Smile. I wish I didn’t have to mention it, but it’s too easy to forget when you’re immersed in new surroundings. Smiles are contagious. They show confidence. They make people want to be around you. Any smile is better than none, but also try not to grin like some connection-deprived clown.

8. Obey The 3-Second Rule. I first learned this from a professional pickup artist years ago, but it works magic with any new person. This is your 80/20 rule – it will lead to more interactions than anything else on this page. The rule is simple: When you see someone interesting to talk to, you have three seconds to walk up and say hello. Wait longer and you’ll either overthink it and screw it up or overthink it and never approach. Not sure what to say? It doesn’t matter. Anything is better than nothing, because it takes you from being a no-name in a sea of faces to being an actual person with a story (who had the courage to say hello). If it’s someone you’ve always wanted to meet, you’ll at least be able to open by thanking them for their work and how it’s impacted you.

I shared this rule at my How to Connect With Anyone talk at WDS in 2012 and the next day, a woman named Erica wrote me an email. Here’s one sentence from it:

“I am a very nervous introvert but after finishing your workshop, I went on to meet roughly 70 people in one afternoon and 115 in one weekend!”

She included the list of people she’d met. This stuff works.

Here’s a little bonus video on The 3-Second Rule from Module 2 of our How to Connect With Anyone course on Overcoming Approach Anxiety & Creating Instant Physical Rapport.

Hope it helps…

Don’t see a video? Click here.

9. Warm up. The 3-Second Rule isn’t just for people you recognize. Use it to talk to anyone who looks interesting. And in the beginning, apply it to everyone you see. It’s just like warming up for a race or big talk. You gotta get some reps in and build confidence. Do that by saying hello to anyone you can, when there’s nothing at stake.

10. Take notes. Write down names and memorable details immediately after meeting someone. I keep a list in my iPhone. You could even do this during your chat as long as you tell them what you’re doing – that you really care about remembering their name and following up about something cool they’ve mentioned. They’ll probably be flattered. Better to use a paper notebook than phone if doing this in person, so they don’t think you’re distracted. Notes will make you much more likely to remember them during the event and follow up with something meaningful once it’s over.

11. Know names. No excuses here. No one’s good with names unless they try. Repeat it back to them. Write it down. Introduce them to someone else. Picture a friend who has the same name. If you forget, just ask again. In a pinch, you could introduce them to a friend without mentioning the new person’s name, so hopefully they repeat it back (or ask your friend or spouse to always introduce themselves when they approach you and someone new, just in case you’ve forgotten). Then use it every time you see each other. Hearing your own name makes people feel on top of the world, especially from someone you wouldn’t expect to remember.

Also, don’t expect others to remember yours  – make it easy for them by quickly mentioning your name the next time you meet, especially if you’ve only met once before or if it’s a distant acquaintance you haven’t seen in a long time. And definitely never say something like “so do you remember my name?” or “I bet you don’t remember me.” I’m surprised by how often I hear this and all it does is make the person you’re talking to feel like an ass. People forget. Be nice.

12. Take pictures. I love taking pictures with people I’ve met. It’s a fun way to remember folks, get them to remember you and also great for follow-up. Have fun with it, but don’t be pushy.

13. Bring a small group together. Invite some new friends to dinner or drinks that night or for a little workout. Or with enough advance notice, set up a little party for folks you know and want to meet. That’s what we’re doing with our LYL pre-party and beer tasting on Friday at WDS. I invited all of you as well as a bunch of personal friends and people I’d love to meet.

14. Know your elevator pitch. I don’t like the term, but everyone’s familiar with it. What’s your 30-second story of who you are, what you’re doing and why you care so much? Have something sharp and concise, but be ready to modify to fit the person you’re talking to. And share it with some excitement!

15. Know what you want to say to those you know you want to meet. Do your homework so you don’t get caught fumbling when you bump into your idol in the bathroom (best to wait until after you’re both done, though…). What do you want to thank them for? Who do you know in common? What idea do you want to share? How can it connect with and help their work?

16. Find common ground. Building rapport is all about finding things in common as fast as possible. This can be mutual friends, cities, travels, ideas, businesses, fears, whatever. Being at the same event means you’re already starting with something. Build from there.

17. Know your ABC stories. The more you know your experiences, the higher your odds of quickly finding similarities as you ask questions and learn their story. An easy exercise for this is to write a 1-2 sentence true story about yourself for every letter of the alphabet (My friend Tynan taught me this one). Ask a friend to help if need be. “A” for me might be that I went on a safari in Africa and we almost ran into an elephant in our 6-person motor boat. The point isn’t to tell everyone all your stories (definitely don’t do that) – it’s to have a refined lens for listening to theirs and seeing how you can relate. It also makes for much more memorable conversation.

18. Be interesting, ask interesting questions and become contagious. Do whatever you can to interrupt the usual small talk pattern. Share passions. Anything’s fair game (well, almost). Ask about fun things like recent adventures or what they’re most excited about right now. Tell them the same about you. Don’t ask, “So, um, what do you do?” There are much more entertaining ways to get to that question. One of my go-to questions is, “So, what are you building?”

People want to be around people who are excited about what they’re doing. Energy and passion are contagious. Let it rub off on the people you’re with. But don’t dominate the conversation. Let them do more talking than you. Then play your energy off the things you learn.

19. Meet on their level. If someone is quiet and reserved, you being your wild and crazy extroverted self will likely turn them off. Tone it down to where they are. Your goal is to make people feel welcome and safe. This creates rapport.  You can still be contagious without making people feel like you’re crazy.

20. Be with them and only them. If you’re talking to someone then talk to them. Do not glance all around the room looking for more important people. That sucks. Encourage others to talk about themselves – then listen and actually hear what they’re saying. Make it a game to listen so intently that you pick up on how you can uniquely relate and help.

21. And while we’re on don’ts, DO NOT retreat to mindlessly checking your phone when you don’t have someone to talk to. Leave it in your pocket on “do not disturb”. Anytime you notice yourself pulling it out because you feel alone, use it as a trigger to apply the 3-second rule.

22. Create a time limit. This is especially important for influential people who are constantly being bombarded. Open up by letting them know you’re headed to dinner in two minutes but just had to say …  then offer a memorable thank you and quick idea. If natural rapport and conversation grows from there, go with it, but still only stay a few minutes. It’s much less awkward for you to decide to walk away than them trying to leave. Or if they’re talking to someone, you could just walk up, touch them on the shoulder, apologize for the interruption and say a quick thank you and good bye, and maybe that you’ll try to catch them later in the weekend. Find a way to make contact, but be respectful of their space.

23. Change seats. Don’t sit in the same place during every session or eat or stand in the same area throughout the weekend. Most people do, so show up somewhere different and see who else you can bump into.

24. Take advantage of transitions. Walking into and out of a venue is a natural time to start up a chat. So is any transition. It usually feels less awkward than walking straight up to someone. Say hi to the people beside you. Who knows, the woman in the stairwell might be your future business partner.

25. Make and share introductions. Once you meet someone, think about who else you know that they’d have fun with. If you see a group of friends, introduce everyone to the new guy. Also make an agreement with a few friends that you’ll introduce each other to the people you meet.

26. Be the host. Act as if this is your party. If you see someone alone, go say hi. I don’t care if you don’t know anyone else. Make someone else feel welcome. And you’ll both have someone to talk to. Offer help, directions, introductions, whatever. If you’re headed to a meal, invite them to join. A few years ago, I was at an event where I saw one of my biggest mentors and hugely successful author wander around looking for a place to eat – so I invited him to join us. Made for a hell of a lunch. Remember, no one wants to feel alone. Always be welcoming.

27. Embrace the party. This is crucial. Most the real connection happens between events and after hours. Share unique experiences – get up early for a workout, jump in the river or go bungee jumping (if that’s your thing). Skip a session for an afternoon beer with new friends, go out and do some partying together, get your dance on, stay late, get a little tipsy. These are the non conference things that bring your guard down and turn acquaintances into lasting friends. Take your pick. Be creative. Get a little crazy. And always be sure to dance :)  - that’s my signature move on the right…

dance a little

IV. Follow Up

The event is just the beginning. What comes next is where the lasting friendships form…

28. Send a note and add some value. In your follow-up, thank them for something specific and find a way to offer an idea, article, talk, book, whatever that might help with something they mentioned when you met. Make each note unique and memorable. Do it within 24-48 hours, max. If you wait longer, you’ll probably never do it or it’ll get lost. Send an email as well as snail mail and maybe a tweet. If you have a fun picture, print it out and put it with the letter.

29. Thank speakers even if you didn’t meet. Send a note to the people who left an impression and tell them why.

30. Write about them. For the past couple years, I’ve published summary posts about WDS with mentions and links to the people who taught me something. Then I’ll include a link in my followups.

31. Find a way to connect in real-time within a few weeks. If you care about keeping up, prove it.

And finally…

32. Be You & Allow Others to Be Them

This is the blanket that covers the whole process.

When you’re around accomplished people, it’s easy to want to puff your chest out and be someone you’re not. The problem is that people see straight through the bull sh*t and it kills rapport. Be open, vulnerable and unapologetically you. This connects way better than some Superman story, and makes people actually enjoy being around you. Plus, you being uniquely you helps inspire the person you’re with to do the same. And that’s a rare gift.

Do that and you become unforgettable.

Stop worrying about what to say or what to do. Just show up and care about who you’re talking to.

We’re all coming from the same place. We’re all at least a little nervous. We all wonder where and how we’ll fit in.

And we all want to connect with people who believe in the same things we do.

See us as friends you haven’t met yet.

Then go say hello.

Can’t wait to see a lot of you this weekend!

-Scott

So what’s your favorite technique for meeting new people in the real world? Share in the comments

Here Are a Few More Connection Resources:

1. We have a whole module on Building Your In-Person Community in our Connect With Anyone course. We plan to open the course to a small group of people in a few weeks. Get on the wait list here.

2. My friends at Fizzle released a podcast last week on meeting new people and it’s spot on. It inspired some of the ideas in this post. Very worth a listen.

3. Recently I’ve been rereading Keith Ferrazzi’s newly updated and expanded version of Never Eat Alone. The first time I read the book, it planted a seed that later became Connect With Anyone. I’m grateful for his ideas and mentorship.

—-

Image credits: WDS 2013


Leave a Reply

32 Responses to “32 Ways to Easily Make New Friends at Live Events (& how an introvert met 70 people in 12 hours)”

  1. Alison says:

    Thanks, Scott! I’m working with a networking dining club startup that aims to take the guesswork out of networking as a way to make more meaningful and lasting connections.

    These will totally help me as tactics in my role to help people connect socially at events–networking can be so stale and not relevant so I’m loving the challenge to try and help them engage when the pressure is off and they’re having fun. Will definitely be sharing this on our FB Page! And cheers for quoting Dale Carnegie–he’s my hero:)

  2. Jon Giganti says:

    Scott,
    Love this list. I love quote, ” Be interested, not interesting.” That gets you in the mindset of listening first. The more a person talks the better they feel about the conversation.

    Also, introducing two people who don’t know each other can spark a great connection and is one of the most valuable things we can do.

    All good stuff. Thanks Scott!

  3. Roser says:

    Great post. Thank you Scott!

  4. Molood says:

    Great post and perfect timing!
    Can’t wait to meet you Scott. I am inviting everyone who is in Portland today (Wednesday) to join me for a pre-WDS hang out in the patio of hotel Modera at 7 pm. I’d love to see you there :)

  5. Molood says:

    Great post! Can’t wait to meet you Scott. I am inviting everyone who is in Portland today (Wednesday) to join me for a pre-WDS hang out in the patio of hotel Modera at 7 pm. I’d love to see you there :)

  6. Jan says:

    One of the reasons I didn’t sign up for WDS 2014 is because I was WAY out of my comfort zone at WDS 2013. After reading your post, I see a lot of ways I could have connected…I’ll be practicing! This post are appreciated.
    By the way…I recognized the venue (Pioneer Square) in your WDS 2013 picture…and am in fact in the picture (serendipitous?).

  7. Wow, Scott. I’ve been reading your stuff for four years and you pulled out a lot of new tips. Kudos, bud.

    Putting together a Twitter list of people you know and want to meet beforehand is a sweet tactic. In fact, I just put a Twitter list together for WDS 2014 and … boom, I’m engaged with a number of folks. You, of course, are on the list. :)

    Number 10, take notes, has probably been my biggest secret weapon. I have a leaky brain, so I fire up Evernote on my phone after a great conversation and record about a minute recapping the chat, what to mention when I follow-up, and how I can help them in the future. But taking an audio note to later transcribe into my Google Contacts is something I do even with 1:1 meetings with friends. It sure beats listening to music as I leave and losing all the great context from a potentially transformative conversation.

  8. Kevin Cheng says:

    “DO NOT retreat to mindlessly checking your phone when you don’t have someone to talk to.”

    Scott – So true – and this is the thing that introverts (like myself) revert to doing when connections aren’t happening or we don’t know anyone there. It’s totally self-defeating, and also deprives the people around you from the attention – and possibly the added value – you can give them by approaching and starting up a conversation.

    I also agree on being interested and looking to add value. And the 3-second rule is awesome. I first heard you say this in CWA, and it does work. I find that noticing what someone’s doing right at that moment (or something that’s happening in our environment right then) and bringing that up when I approach them works pretty well. It’s something they’re already tuned into or that they’re looking at too, so there’s no surprise or awkwardness when I bring up that topic. Again, you’ve given us some great, actionable tips, as usual.

    Hope you guys have an awesome time at WDS! Look forward to reading all about what happened!
    Kevin

  9. Wowsa there is a lot of good stuff in this article — definitely got LOTS of new ideas from this. Thank you Scott! I like the idea of thanking people when you meet them (if you already know who they are) and expressing gratitude. And I have definitely experienced with the 3 second rule that if I do not go up to someone right away, I will not do it! My sister & her new husband actually met thanks to the 3 second rule :)

    Very touched by what Simon Sinek said to you when you met him Scott. I do similar work to yourself and got chills when he expressed the importance of this work to you… what amazing passion! Thanks again for the article.

  10. Maria Bo says:

    Hello
    I never leave any of your emails unread. I have a “Live Your Legend” folder on my mailbox for the memorable ones.
    This article is awesome & I am glad that I am doing some of those things by instinct.
    My motto is that you can learn something from EVERYONE. This is how I live.
    I wish I could attend the party but I am in Europe.

    Thanks a lot for creating Live Your Legend. Keep on inspiring us.
    I hope to tell you the story of my legend one day, when it happens.

  11. Paulette Lindo says:

    I feel I can breathe easier now that I have read your post. You have given me quite a boost and I’ll be returning to this post from time to time. Nice to have met you online. Now I’m hoping to actually meet you in person. Thank you.

  12. As always, great post Scott!

    For those in the online world or new to starting their own businesses, it can be sooo easy and comfortable to slouch and hide behind our computers afraid to get out in the real world. I did this for a long time. But now realize the importance of face-to-face connections. Both for my business, my vitality and for others!

    Thanks!
    Alexis Meads

  13. Steve Roy says:

    Hey Scott,
    All great advice here. Given that many of us work online and don’t do as much face to face interacting, I’d say we should be doing a lot more of what you mention here. It’s easy to hide behind a computer and scary to actually get out there and talk to people!

    Have fun at WDS and I hope to meet you next year.

  14. Love the article! I wrote something similar last week that will be published on Monday based on a mind-blowing event I went to a few weeks ago and met tons of great people plus almost half of the 19 speakers there.
    I’m not generally a very outgoing person if I don’t know the environment or people but by going to the right events, you can set the stage right from the beginning.

  15. As someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, that has known life without friends in the past, and having been to my fair share of meetup social events where I have not known a single person there, and my fair of church services – where in some cases I may know some people present but not have any close links to anyone in particular, this is a very interesting article.

    Some of these things I have had to learn through experience, such as researching on people you know you’re likely to meet, so you can get some idea what type of conversation you can have with them. Also making notes after a meeting about various people I’m likely to see again is also a great help. I used to, and still sometimes do, quite a bit of preparatory brainstorming before social events like this – brainstorming the people likely to be there that I want to talk to, the subjects I want to talk to the about etc.

    Certainly all these things do help and make the situation more comfortable, but there is one major obstacle, a pet hate of mine, that is can make these situations incredibly difficult – cliches!

    You may go into an environment like this on your own, with every intention of being social, but due to the fact that most people there know others present, and are in some sort of cliche, or have at least one person they have a ‘link’ to, if you arrive ‘link-less’ mixing in is going to be very difficult as it’s hard to find people available to talk to. You don’t want to interrupt people, especially if you haven’t got a specific reason to talk to them, so you can end up having to use something like a mobile as a social shield so you don’t look like you’re hanging around waiting for someone to talk to.

    The best way to handle these situations is where possible, arrive with someone who already knows other people who will be present, the more social influence you have the better.

    For the record, I am personally guilty of using my mobile when I have no one to talk to, as if I have just received an important message. Then again, sometimes I DO have an important text from someone – so know one can tell the difference!

  16. This was a very elaborate guide, thanks for sharing!

  17. David says:

    Scott,

    Thank you for this post! It helped me immensely at WDS2014. I was able to meet so many great people, especially at the LYL pre-party on Friday! Thanks so much for putting that one on!

    David

    • Scott says:

      Glad you put it straight to use! And awesome to have you at the party. Seeing and connecting with this community in the real world is one of my favorite things. What a weekend. Now, time for some serious recovery :)

  18. Max says:

    Thanks Scott,

    That was very useful. I would add one thing that I have personally learn from the weekend. I felt like getting 2 or 3 people very well helped me a lot. We hug out all the time so we were never alone. However, we were always connecting with new people here and there and made the approach to others very easy as well as welcoming new comers in the group. I found that creating a tighter circle with a few folks but still welcoming others and keep chatting with everyone made the whole experience a whole lot easier. For everyone who are thinking about going next year, getting to Portland a day or two prior to the event will make your life so much easier. You will have time to meet people before the conference, get to know Portland and how everything is set up as well as having a hell of a great time before the seminars.

    That is what I got from my first WDS experience.

    Hope it will help a few.

  19. Richard says:

    Wow, I gotta get to WDS next year. What an event.
    Looks awesome.
    I know exactly what you mean Scott when you say about hanging with people who “get” you. I’m in the same situ. Not always easy to find but when you do find them wow is it energising, inspirational and any hint of self doubt just vanishes into the night sky!
    Richard in Ireland

  20. Anthony says:

    This is incredibly useful, especially the 3-second rule! What a fantastic idea. Thank you.

  21. new games says:

    Thank you for this post! It helped me immensely at WDS2014. I was able to meet so many great people, especially at the LYL pre-party on Friday!

  22. Emilie says:

    Hi! I just want to thank you for that article!
    I just went to my first big networking event and finding this post the day before “save me”. I was afraid of the event and it went so good just applying some (or the whole) of the tips in that article. I will recommend to everybody to try it!!!
    It’s amazing the relation you can create in just a few minutes and how conversation take an interesting turn by talking about passion!

    Thank you!

  23. These are some great tips to making new friends for someone who is more of an introvert. I think the number one thing, as your Dale Carnegie quote states, is to become interested in other people. Ask them questions. Find a common ground that you guys share and pounce on that to make it a key of the conversation to connect. It is also important to exchange information when you leave or else how can you stay in touch.

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