
03 Jul Are You Scared or Are You Just Selfish?
Confronting the Selfishness in Fear
One of the promises I’ve made with all of you as members of our revolution is to tell it like it is and give full disclosure about what it’s like to pursue work that matters, warts and all. Anything else would be a disservice. So today, let’s talk about being selfish.
Fear keeps me from a lot of things.
And judging by the comments and emails I get from all of you, it sounds like I’m not alone.
Lately I’ve been trying out a new perspective, and you might not like it…
Fear is selfish. Being scared is being self-centered.
After years of watching myself put something off or talk myself out of taking action, I find that if I peel off enough layers, fear is always the source of the wheel spinning.
Depending on the project (and the day), I might be scared that I won’t be able to figure it out, I’ll look like an idiot, people will laugh at me, I’ll lose credibility, I’ll be called a hypocrite or a fraud, I’ll lose money, I’ll realize I’m not smart enough, and so on. I have these and countless other panicked feelings all the time. Sometimes they’re lingering in the background, hardly noticeable. And other times they seem to put me in a straightjacket.
Most the time nobody really notices, which is often the hardest part. You look at the work someone creates, and for the most part, the signs of fear have been ironed out – unless, of course, it’s the topic of discussion, like today. 😉
Important things are scary.
Every major project I’ve worked on, while exciting to produce, was also riddled with fear and uncertainty, especially in the beginning.
I froze for a whole day when I first sat down to create Live Off Your Passion, staring alone at my screen and wandering the beach aimlessly for hours during my so-called “writing” retreat.
I psyched myself out for nearly nine months before taking even one step in creating our Connect With Anyone Course and community.
It took me four hours to film my first 90-second video when I launched Live Your Legend. It was on my mind for weeks leading up to it – almost constantly. I’ve kept it live on this page just on principle.
And don’t get me started on the days leading up to the TEDx talk I was invited to give six days before the event.
But two months ago, I had probably the most beautiful display of terror and irony in the history of Scott Dinsmore. I launched a workshop on The First Steps to (Finally!) Doing Work You Love. You all asked for it and I thought it would be so obvious to create. Yet in the week leading up to it, I almost canceled the whole effing thing because I could not distill my research into something that actually made sense. It was pathetic and totally unexpected. I couldn’t figure out the first step to take in creating the damn First Steps Workshop!! Impressive, eh??
(For those of you who attended, thanks for the support. And for those of you who didn’t, here’s the access page to the full First Steps Workshop recording, 30-day action plan and workbook. When all the dust settled, I was really excited about how things finally turned out. I’ll be hosting a live follow-up attendee Q&A session in a couple weeks.)
That’s the interesting part – these projects have turned into the most significant and and impactful work I’ve ever produced.
They are the core of our LYL movement and the foundation of my business and livelihood. And you guys tell me they’ve helped you in ways I could have never scripted. Recently thirty of our CWA alumni sent me the most heartfelt thank you I’ve ever gotten – a DVD montage and hand-crafted journal of stories and thank-you messages that brought me to tears.
And I almost said no to every one of those projects – because I was scared.
That’s a terrifying thought.
And that is why fear is selfish.
Maybe you’re scared to start the new diet or workout plan because it might be too hard or you might fall off the wagon. But what kind of person could you be to the people around you if you lost the weight, gained the energy and had the confidence that came from it? Or what kind of grandfather will you not be if you die a decade before you have to?
You might be scared of how long it will take to learn guitar or the laughter that might come at the first open mic. But what about the way your music could eventually move people?
You have a talent you know could help people, but it lies buried inside because you’re not sure what to do first or you’re afraid of what others will think. What type of potential could that shared talent and passion allow others to experience?
We’re so wrapped up in ourselves that we sell the rest of the world short.
That is selfish.
Jim Carrey delivered a line in his recent commencement speech at the Maharishi University of Management that seems fitting:
“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”
In the lifetime picture, the risk of not pursuing what matters will always dwarf the fear of seeing what could be possible. It’s rarely clear while you’re staring at your first blank canvas or trembling as you try to eke out something new, but I have a feeling it will be painfully obvious when sitting in a rocking chair when you’re eighty. That’s real risk.
The people who make a difference don’t act because there is no fear.
They act in spite of it.
What have you been depriving the world of? When will you stop being so freakin’ selfish?
It’s a question I have to remind myself of almost daily. Something tells me I’m not alone.
-Scott
Let’s kill the fear together – Connect With Anyone opens in a few weeks
Many of you hopefully already know this, but one of the most effective ways to act in spite of the fear is to hang around the people doing the things that make most of us quiver. Find a community of people who “get you” – who believe in the same type of possibility and who have your back no matter what.
That’s why we created our How to Connect With Anyone course and community. We only open it 2-3 times a year to a small group of dedicated people, and the next opening is in a few weeks. If you want to surround yourself with the people who refuse to let you fail, I bet CWA can help. You can learn more or jump on the early access wait list here. More details soon.
****
This post was inspired by my wife (AKA Chief Balance Officer) Chelsea and my long-time coach Debra Russell, who both seem to always know how to stick it to me in just the right ways. Thank you.
Image credit: A painter we stumbled across in Paros, Greece
Is it Fear or Are You Just Selfish? - Introverts Power
Posted at 07:46h, 03 July[…] It took me four hours to film my first 90-second video when I launched Live Your Legend. It was on my mind …read more […]
Michele
Posted at 10:07h, 03 JulyHi Scott,
I laugh, not because what you say is funny, but because I can SO relate to everything you’ve said. Every new venture, uncomfortable moment, new experience, has been enveloped in fear. Yet, I continue to work through it – wondering at what point will enough to be too much.
My biggest fear (and can’t believe I’m going to share this publicly) is that I may get “found out” that I don’t have it all figured out – yet moving along acting as I do. My shift has led me to shift how I blog recently – once coming from a place of “I know it all,” to now “I’m learning and growing like everyone else.”
What a sense of relief and release to get to that place. A place that you are willing to show your true colors and accept whatever judgment may come your way. But it’s coming from a place of truth and embracing fear – not being ruled by it.
Hugs,
Michele
Dubem Menakaya
Posted at 11:13h, 03 JulyMichele your not the only one trust me! I often feel like Pinocchio, I’m not a ‘real’ boy lol!
I was listening to an interview and he said he feels exactly the same thing – and he’s wrote 17 books and is a worldwide legend!
One thing he said that really stuck with me is that “I’m better off shipping than I am making it perfect – because if I had never shipped I wouldn’t be here!”
Michele Welch
Posted at 08:23h, 07 JulyI wish there was a way to Like your comment! LOL
I’ve read that quote somewhere… just can’t remember from where. But love it! I’m a big advocate of do the best you can – put in the effort 100% and then release it. Nothing will ever be “perfect.” 😉
Nick
Posted at 10:11h, 03 JulyThis article is fantastic Scott, selfish and scary do rule, too often. Let me tell you though that you are neither.
You are not as selfish and you are not as scared as your infernal, internal demon would like you to believe. I don’t like putting it this way but it is the truth. That false creation within will lie and do anything to sabotage your new creation because it is the one that is frightened. Frightened of being thrown out.
I know ’cause I am the same way and so are nearly 100% of the rest of humanity. It’s part of our “original sin” or “cross to bear” or whatever hoo-doo explains it best to us superstitious humans.
There are internalized mentalities we must struggle with. Whether from teachers, family, friends, you know what I mean. The journey that you are now on is not about picking up the things that you don’t have, it is about dropping the things that are not really you.
Brittany
Posted at 10:20h, 03 JulyThanks Scott! This is exactly what I needed to hear today!
Dubem Menakaya
Posted at 11:10h, 03 JulyI always think of this anagram when I think of fear.
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real
It’s crazy how all these thoughts of what COULD happen stop us from finding out what will actually happen. It’s NEVER bad. Every time I ship it’s always good – the worst thing that happens is someone makes a bad comment. Ah well!
Of course that’s easy to say – much harder in practice. However the more you play the game, the better you get used to just playing.
A football (soccer) player called CharlierGeorge used to throw up before every single match. He played over 300 professional matches. The fear doesn’t go away. But he still played.
Because if we don’t show up we know what will happen – nothing. If we do though, well anything is possible!
Thanks for the realness and inspiration.
Peace!
Dubem
Anna
Posted at 07:53h, 07 JulyBrilliant anagram Dubem, haven’t seen it before & totally love it.
Thanks for sharing. I’m smiling now, it’s so damn true.
Rebecca Beaton
Posted at 13:31h, 03 JulyHeya Scott! Wow can I ever relate to this… the times when you are most afraid, that’s when you get the best and biggest results (or learnings). I super appreciate you being so open about your own fears, a lot of the time it can appear as though successful people such as yourself don’t have any. It’s nice to be reminded that, oh yeah, everyone else has them too… I’m not the only one. Thanks for the post!
Angie
Posted at 22:43h, 03 JulyHi Scott,
The idea of flipping the selfish coin hadn’t occured to me in such a clear conscious way before. I generally consider dedicating so much time, thought and energy to my own path and projects to be all about what I want and need and not about what may be valuable to others. So my efforts to do what I love (and what has meaning for me) have been ridden with the guilt of doing rather than the guilt of not doing.
Turning this idea around to: “What kind of person could you be to the people around you if …….” and “What kind of ………… will you not be if ……” , are two very empowering reverse perspectives for me.
Reminding myself every time the guilt creeps in that what I am working towards is not perhaps just a selfish endeavour for my own fulfillment but rather a responsibilty I have towards the fulfillment of others, is going to make a world of difference!
Thank you so much for this enlightening view.
Angie
Aaron Hughes
Posted at 01:12h, 04 JulyScott, it’s time for you to write a book.
We, your public, *need* you to write a book to help guide us.
So, go out and get a publishing contract, and write a book.
People will buy your book by the tens of thousands: probably more.
Because it will be *our* book.
Do it.
All the best.
– Aaron
Scott
Posted at 14:27h, 07 JulyWhat a fun comment Aaron! Humbling really. Thank you. And it would be *our* book indeed. I actually had a fun chat with a publisher earlier this year but for the time being we decided to put it on hold.
But it begs the question… What do you propose I write the book on?
I’m open to ideas…anyone?? 🙂
Nessy
Posted at 08:02h, 04 JulyScott, thank you so much for sharing this. Good timing as this is exactly what I wanted to hear. I have been holding myself back from working on creative projects because I keep worrying about perfection. However, this morning, I decided that I must stop criticizing myself about something that I haven’t even started yet. I should just take action. No more hesitating. Be confident and share with the world. Fear doesn’t get you anywhere that you want to be.
Michael Knouse
Posted at 08:41h, 04 JulyScott – I love this approach. Thanks for sharing this. Seriously – fear gets in my way constantly and this is such an empowering way to deal with it. If we don’t take the risk and move forward with our ideas, we are cheating ourselves and the world out of offering our greatest value.
Also, thanks for sharing the examples of how you felt before moving forward with your most impactful projects. When I see your amazing offerings, I think that you’ve got it nailed, no problem. It’s refreshing to know that even the best are learning how to deal with and move past their fears. 🙂
Alvin Chadwick
Posted at 14:42h, 05 JulyGreat post! The biggest regrets that people have in life are not taking the first step and conquering their fears!
Lorena
Posted at 23:19h, 05 JulyScott-
I loved this one, thank-you. Especially the line: most times people don’t even notice. Like you, I do hard things all the time. People often assume they aren’t hard for me or I’m not feeling scared or uncomfortable or unsure. This week has been one of my toughest as a medevac pilot- multiple deaths and even a child who had drown that we gave CPR to all the way to the hospital. The kid probably won’t make it. Given that the helicopter is the size of a mazda miata, I’m super aware and involved with each patient. I’m always okay in the moment- it is what makes me good at my job. But later, I’m gutted. This is the part people don’t see.
So thank-you Scott for showing up and letting yourself be seen. And thanks for letting me show up and be seen. I’m looking forward to giving you a big hug at WDS.
Lorena
Erik
Posted at 02:12h, 06 JulyHi Scott,
This must be one of the most powerful reframings I’ve heard in a long, long time. And it is undeniably true. Choosing not to do those things that make you a better person is cheating everyone around you out of being with you at your best. And it’s lying to yourself; if you claim you want to make things better for those you love and not follow through when things get tough, just how dedicated are you? How much do you actually love them?
As an aside, I’ve found the same to be true of asking people for help. People love to help other people. Not asking anyone for help is cheating them out of the joy of giving.
Think about that.
Erik
Dean
Posted at 05:17h, 06 JulyI’m unsubscribing from your list, as it suddenly dawned on me that they are just another one of those ‘Share me’, then ‘Download the free report’ and ‘Click here for your Dreams’! Oh yes, don’t be afraid to give me your hard earned money, what a bargain! I’ll show you lots of photos of beaches which you’ll never afford to sit on, but I will with your money hahaha…
Standard try buddy. Bob Proctor, David Neagle and countless other no-named lowlife individuals tried and failed here also. While they may now have undeserved riches at their disposal, there really is more to life. How about having moral values, or even a conscience.
So you simply found where the desperate folk hang out and began casting your net, not exactly rocket surgery was it. Personally, I prefer an actual challenge!
Mike Goncalves
Posted at 06:15h, 06 JulyThe risk of not pursuing what matters will always dwarf the fear of seeing what could be possible. To make a difference in spite of fear. Having the talent and ability to help others and make a positive difference in this world. These messages, this post, the entire LYL movement is incredibly real and powerful with the potential to make a huge positive dent in the universe, so long as we all take action towards making a difference versus not acting because of fear. That is selfish and there are no winners. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone so screw fear and away with selfishness.
LYL defines what it means to have morals and a conscience and while others may view this community as desperate folks not taking on any real challenges, others, including myself and over 60K people throughout the world view it as a spark, an opportunity, to be better for not only ourselves, but for those closest to us and ultimately, our world as a whole.Cheers to the entire LYL community. We’re just getting started.
Debra Russell
Posted at 11:24h, 06 JulyScott – you rock! I love it so much that you let everyone see your truth because so many people do imagine those out there “going for it” don’t feel the same fear/s as they may be experiencing. After many years of coaching and working with people at all levels of success — those just starting out and others who have reached amazing heights in their careers and personal lives — it’s truly amazing how frequently fear is present at every juncture.
The reframe of seeing fear as selfish or self-focused I believe only REALLY works to spur someone forward who actually genuinely cares about others. The first time I came up with that (more than 20 years ago) was with one of the most loving, caring women I had ever met. She had been letting her fear of public speaking keep her from sharing very important health information with people. After a fairly strong pattern interrupt using that reframe, she set out on an entirely new career using her background as a nurse to educate and help people massively improve their health.
I’m so happy you have taken the perspective in the true spirit it was intended 😉 and shared it with others.
And I agree with Aaron about you writing a book!!
Anna
Posted at 08:01h, 07 JulyWhat a post Scott, one of those that absolutely everybody can relate. Thank you for sharing the insight of what really goes on before you shine on the stage.
It’s all we ever see = all we think it’s true. No fear, anxiety, doubt, sweaty palms and trembling voice.
It shows it is possible, to every one of us to overcome that destructive freer, just go out and do our best, like you, day by day, till it all of a sudden brings you to an amazing place.
Thank you.
sherill
Posted at 17:11h, 07 JulyHi, a very enlightening post. Fear holds us back from achieving our goals in life, face your fears, take the risk, focus and move on. Life is short, so lets make the most out of it. move forward and stay positive. Thanks for sharing, a great post indeed.
Mike Castille
Posted at 17:33h, 07 JulyHi Scott,
Thanks for this article. I can relate to it. I just started a new blog a week ago and finally got up the nerve to announce it on my Facebook page. I’m afraid of what my family and friends will think about me posting a personal development blog when they of all people know how much I’ve screwed up over the years.
But to heck with it, everyone makes mistakes so why can’t I help people develop personally?
Mike Castlle
Roamingt
Posted at 06:08h, 15 JulyHow do you tell the difference between the fear that tells you “this is huge and must be done” and the fear that says “this is an awful idea, run the other way?”
Cazz
Posted at 23:53h, 21 JulyI think the ‘This is an awful idea, run the other way’ type of fear is the sick in your stomach kinda ‘ugh’ feeling and the ‘This is huge and must be done’ type of fear is that cold kind. Bone-chilling terror that kinda confuses you because you aren’t standing on the precipice of a ledge with a bottomless black ocean underneath you, except your adrenaline seems to be thoroughly convinced you are, lol.
At least that’s how I feel at those times! It means I can laugh at my weird instincts later…
Nick
Posted at 10:27h, 15 JulyWrite a book, Scott, about your growth from dependency to independence. Write about your family and their support for your dreams. Write about your wife and how she helps keep you centered. Write about your travels. You can probably excerpt a lot from your posts, a la James Altucher’s “Choose Yourself”. Write about your fears, your expectations, and your desire to help others.
Regards to you and yours, also Clear Thinking!
Emily
Posted at 11:25h, 15 JulyHello Scott,
Thank you so much for making this connection! Making fear seem selfish really sends a strong message– I know I’d never thought of it that way before. Thank you also for providing links to Fizzle, Nerdfitness, and Zen Habits on other articles. I didn’t know so many awesome entrepreneur resources existed on the internet! It’s inspired me to get started.
sherill
Posted at 16:39h, 16 JulyHi, wow! a very enlightening post indeed. I love this article especially when you said that the risk of not pursuing what matters will always dwarf the fear of seeing what could be possible” . I’ve always believed that fear will hold us back in pursuing our goals in life. Go out, step forward and face your fears. Thanks for sharing.
Greta
Posted at 07:50h, 21 JulyHey Scott-
Fantastic post, just wanted to acknowledge it with gratitude. I’m in the midst of a pretty massive shift, have officially quit the stable, secure and predictable job doing work that I actually love and am passionate about because I just knew intuitively that I had to embrace the next challenge in order to evolve personally, which would then really allow me to evolve professionally. And by next challenge that would be moving to a foreign country to climb mountains, surf, finally achieve fluency in a language I’ve self-taught for too long and commit to building a career whereby I am positively influencing the world while also living a lifestyle that I love. This commitment means seriously digging in to create a vehicle for my work (ethical strategy/CSR in international supply chains) that can embody my other passions for the outdoors and adventures. This move is a calculated abandonment of comforts and security in order to fully embrace unknown opportunities and unimagined possibilities that only arise when one is hungry, living lean and entirely open. Yeah, at times, scary as hell.
Recently I was interviewed for a podcast featuring individuals making adventurous and bold moves. The second question in the interview was “what fears have you experienced and how do you handle them”. Handling them- I think that is the absolute most essential thing to be conscious of when considering fear. You can’t run away from it, as you mentioned, no matter how “prepared” or conscious of direction and purpose you may be, fear will always arise- it is our logical mind challenging our intuition. We can’t blame our minds really, we are preconditioned by society to challenge thinking that is not aligned with the status quo.
I absolutely believe the key is being prepared to quiet those fears as soon as they crop up. We all have a depth of credibility that is relevant to do what we are meant to do in this life. And when we are pursuing dreams, work, adventures, life that is being led by the heart, there is no doubt great enough to prove us wrong. We simply need to be ready to respond with rebuttals as those doubts creep in.
I know my immediate fear whenever I make a big move like this is the fear of not having that secure income. Money. But it is easy to challenge that fear by acknowledging how many ways there are to make money, the foundation I have laid and life experience and ability I have to creatively earn money no matter where I am in the world. Removing myself from that secure monthly paycheck also removes the ceiling that the monthly paycheck created as well, and suddenly there is room for even more abundance- what initially came up as a fear has turned into further justification for pursuing this path- because of a shift in perspective. Coming back to what is pushing/motivating you to choose the scary path in the first place will always remove the significance of the fear.
Anyway- great post, it is such a good exercise to constantly confront your fears, in doing so you have an opportunity to acknowledge the purpose of your mission, whatever it may be.
Have a beautiful day- Greta
Sebastian Aiden Daniels
Posted at 10:32h, 26 AugustYou are absolutely right that fear in a lot of ways if selfish. It is way to self-preserve. That is the nature of fear. At its very essence is selfishness because fear was one thing that helped us survive in the past.
Now it is not so helpful. We fear failure, but so many of us fear failure because of the perceptions that we think others will have of us. We fear it for some other reasons too, but in the end, we are just trying to control the situation and others thoughts about us. Learn to embrace those feelings of fear and push through them. Let others think whatever they want.
Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real
VL
Posted at 09:02h, 15 OctoberThank you – wrote a blog about fear and I’ll have to post it for next weeks post. Bravo!
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